Did you ever friend someone only to lose yourself in the process? I recently did. I fell into darkness and it began by offering kindness to a kindred spirit. And over the past few months, I became someone else without even realizing it until that person stopped speaking to me. Unfortunately, their sadness runs too deep, love lost, not being with who one's heart desires. There's no one who better understands this than I but I failed in helping all while giving way to losing myself.
In a roundabout way, this ties back to my prior blog. I know I'm not the only one who feels like they are an anomaly at times and that it's hard to fit into social circles. Naive in thinking that crossing into "machine city" will be all roses and rainbows. It's dark but making mistakes is a part of life. And this is just another test in a long line of them. Coinciding with having a dream recently of being tested along with another ring dream. Losing the light and scrambling to find it. Losing my personal power, feeling weak, losing hope, letting the machines pile on you.
I know in my heart who I am and as much as try to be kind I cannot risk everything I've worked so hard for. I can't let the darkness swallow me whole or let sadness linger like damp air. So I'm sitting here listening to Enigma's "Return to Innocence".
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
I'm returning to the light. Forging ahead, my own two feet with the strength of angels by my side. The wheel is turning, I can feel it, and then I had this amazing dream. I remember standing in a basement room, a convention hall perhaps. People were standing in line, waiting, and there's something to do with the Lunar New Year. I'm wearing a long white flowy dress that drags along the floor when I spotted the man who's always been in my dreams. He's wearing a dark grey suit speaking with someone, so he was turned slightly sideways. My heart skips a beat as I head his way. But by the time I got to him, he already was walking away. A ghost, unseen, but then a little while later someone finds me and tells me that wasn't my fault. They bring me to where he's at but I had to wait outside in a smaller room with a few others. A sign on the wall says he's here until midnight, the witching hour. I have plenty of time, I can hear his voice so I sat patiently waiting. Knowing we'd spend the rest of the night talking, hanging out like the best of friends. Knowing it's all going to be just fine.
And for those who've been watching The Wheel of Time, "The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills." I just need to trust the wheel and stay true to who I am. As we all often feel that pressure to want to fit in, be accepted, popular, be part of the clique, the inner circle, get noticed, and so forth. One of my best friends and I's favorite books growing up is the 1967 novel “The Outsiders”. Gosh, that one line has stuck with me throughout the years.
"Stay gold, Ponyboy."
P.S. Back to writing, I go. Along with sky-watching. No more losing myself which reminds me of another song by "Booth and the Bad Angel".
Born free the jail is waiting
I hold the key
Freedom's not easy
When the jailer is me
I'm the stranger who fell through time. And yes I did draw the Tower card in a reading. The manmade structure. Stay gold, don't get caught in a trap, focus on the light while facing the dark...
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